Day 14 - Tears of a Scorpion
Only one week left…..my time here has seriously flown by. Despite being a little tired and homesick the last few days, I feel so lucky to be having this experience. Life is moving so fast, I can't believe its nearly May 2012. This time two years ago, life was much more simplistic. I was living in the destitute and lonely city of angels, signed to Babyface and in a completely contrasting mind frame to the one I'm in now. One goal, one mission and no in-between. My values are so different now. My family have always been very important to me, but I realized even before Peter died, how important being happy and around people you love is. I think I first discovered that when Andrew and I became an item back in September 2010. I found happiness with no drawbacks, drugs with no side effects. Love makes life meaningful. But as I've discovered over the last few months, you can't rely on others for your happiness. I can't build my dreams sitting in the passenger seat, relying on the driver to navigate the route. Its up to me to find my own balance of love, drive and contentment. Basically, I've got to find my own method of transport and meet you there. That's what I appreciate the most about what I've learned on this course. I feel more confident, sure of what I want and who I want in my life. I believe in myself again. I almost needed this time to become reacquainted with who looks back at me in the mirror. Ironic as there are zero mirrors here, unfortunately!!!
I really believe I can do whatever I put my mind to, even Scorpion Pose, which I wouldn't even have dreamed of doing 2 weeks ago!!! Check it out;
I practiced my teaching flow again tonight. We did a few more classes with the other students taking on the teacher role today and I really need to keep working on mine. Every teacher I've had so far has been really great and unique in their own way. There are two more tomorrow and I'm teaching again on Tuesday, so preparation is imperative for me to redeem myself and come back from my last attempt!! This evening I was in the big yoga studio with another student here, Brydie who is so sweet and has amazing warmth. We were both doing our individual practice but the energy was bright in the room. She had her iPod on and there's this cover of Kings of Leon "Use Somebody" by what sounded like a choir of angels, it was so beautiful. I was in a forward bend on the floor at the time and I don't know what came over me but my throat became constricted and tears started to roll down my cheeks. That's not like me at all. I don't cry in these types of places, I save that all for Andrew or mum when I get home ha!! But seriously, I think my body was just shattered and I had a lot racing through my mind. Plus I had just done a set of extreme back bends which opens the heart shakra up, releasing any tension and emotion I was holding in the body. I kept quiet and stayed in the forward bend till the sadness subsided and then simply carried on. I think I'm in need of a hug. Only one week to go, but like I said, I refuse to wish this incredible experience away.
Heading to sleep now, hoping to have a repeat of yesterday's meditation tomorrow as today I struggled to find my inner stillness again. Oh well, you win some you lose some eh!!